The Story Of Baby That Wasn't Meant To Be...

April 24, 2014

I have debated whether I should post my story about miscarriage or not for the past several months. I had an overwhelming feeling that I should share in hopes that it can help someone feel like they aren't alone.

{WARNING THIS IS A SUPER DUPER LONG POST}

Lets start at the beginning of this whole story, (which is usually a good place to start ;) ). As a little girl when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was never a Mommy. My answers were always: Doctor, Lawyer, or Fashion Designer. I always had a feeling that I would do something amazing. Like I was destined for something beyond my wildest dreams. Flash forward to now/at the time I was 28 years old. I had been married for 6 years and was about to graduate with my degree in Interior Design. I felt so accomplished receiving my diploma. I did it. I can't believe I did it! All of those sleepless nights and pushing myself to be the best I could be had paid off. No it wasn't like the feeling I would assume you would get from saving a life as a doctor, or passing the BAR to become a lawyer, or making a fabulous gown for a celebrity. Though in that moment I was on top of the world. I had a goal and I achieved that goal. I was proud and my family was proud of me. I could do no wrong.

Well graduation day had to come to an end (something to do with there are only 24 hours in a day ;) ). I was faced with a big decision: Should I go to work for a design firm, or start my own business? I didn't take this decision lightly. I stewed over it for weeks. I prayed every night to be given insight on what my next move should be. I always had a peaceful feeling that would come over me afterwards. Which was also accompanied by that urge I remembered having as a little girl, that I was destined for something great. I was never given a definite answer to my prayers of what direction I should go. I just had these constant thoughts pop into my head of, "You should start your own business because then you will have more flexibility for when you and Nate have a family." Umm ok, who said anything about starting a family?? That was a huge blow to me. I had always said I was born without that little piece of, "yearning to be a mom DNA." It was a huge joke in my family that I would never have kids and that my wiener dog would be the closest thing my mom would get to being a Grandma. There I was more confused than ever. Was I just being selfish about not wanting to have kids? I mean were my reasons of not starting a family justified anymore? Was being a mom what I was destined to do? Needless to say I had some soul searching to do.

Nate had always said that he was ready to start a family whenever I was. What a wonderful guy he is, (but we will have to save that for a whole other post). I told Nate about the promptings that I had been receiving to get his opinion. He thought lets pray about it and visit the temple to see if starting a family was the right step for us. At this point my already anxiety stricken self is in overdrive. How can I be a mom, ME??!! How could I be in charge of shaping someone's future? I never joked around with having a child or when we would have one. I took the decision probably too serious to a fault at times. We continued to pray about it for weeks and visited the temple. We always felt at peace after asking for guidance. My strong views of, "I'm going to be a famous this-that-or the other began to fade." I found myself thinking maybe I need to step outside my comfort zone. Maybe that feeling of doing something bigger than myself in life isn't career driven. I knew that women were given the privilege to create and bare children and that that right was given to them through a divine power. I asked myself, "Who am I to reject my divine nature?" In that moment I knew that being given the opportunity to be a mother was a part of my eternal destiny. It wasn't about me. It was about something bigger than that. After feeling the spirit so strongly I finally got the courage one day to say you know what, let's do this (which in other words meant I'm ready to take a leap of faith with my dear sweetheart). He said that he was all in and was so level headed (gosh what I would do without him I just don't know)! I will always look back at that time in life as a real character defining moment. I'm so grateful for that.

The months came and went and still no baby. Oh how naive I was. Having a baby is just so much more than not using protection. I had no clue. Every month that I received a negative pregnancy test was hard but also it made my need to have a baby grow deeper and deeper. I finally found that missing piece of DNA!

In September is when everything changed. After returning home from an amazing week in Hawaii, I decided to take my monthly pregnancy test. This time it came up POSITIVE!! I was beyond excited and felt so much gratitude that we could even conceive a child. It was an amazing moment and I couldn't wait to tell Nate as soon as he got home. Once I told him we were just in shock. We were going to be parents!! I immediately started scouring Pinterest for anything and everything baby. I couldn't get enough of it. It was finally happening! As the weeks went on I didn't know what to expect being a first timer at all of this. I was sick on and off but everything felt normal to me. I couldn't wait to get to my 8 week appointment to have everything checked. Little did I know, I wouldn't make it that long.

It all started LDS Conference weekend in October. Something didn't feel right. Throughout my whole pregnancy I had had some light cramping and thought it was just due to a growing uterus. During the Sunday morning session of conference I had gone to use the restroom when I noticed some spotting. I was so alarmed. I remember running down the stairs in full tears to tell Nate what had happened. Even though I had read that spotting can be normal my intuition just kept getting in the way. Something wasn't right. I called my doctor the next day and rushed to see her. She did an ultrasound and I got to see our baby for the first time. It wasn't much but I was still in awe.


The doctor had good news. Maybe it was just implantation bleeding, don't get worried unless you are having clotting she said. My again naive self left feeling optimistic. Everything is going to be fine. I will just go back in a couple of days to have my levels checked and it will all work out. As the week went on my symptoms got worse. I started bleeding more. The cramping was so painful. Looking back all I can think is that I should've known what was happening. I remember the night before I called in to get my final HCG results, I was laying on our bathroom floor waiting for Nate to get home. I was in so much pain I couldn't get up. I remember pleading with God to not take this away from me. It took everything I had to not emotionally combust that night. The next morning came and I called to get my results. All I remember the nurse saying was, "you are miscarrying." My heart sank. What about all of our plans? What about the future we had started to build? It was all gone within a short phone call. Afterwards Nate hugged me and told me everything will be ok. It will all work out. But I was devastated. I felt betrayed. 

Later that day I went to my mom's house. It was so difficult for me to find the words to tell her I was having a miscarriage. I cried, she cried. I don't know what I would have done without her. She had suffered several miscarriages herself and she knew how I was feeling. Being able to share that empathy from and with her was so comforting. I left her house the next morning after staying the night on the couch, I was too drugged from the pain medication to drive back the night before. I came home to the life I had before my miscarriage. Who was I now? I was back at square one. I'm not going to be a mom. There were endless thoughts that ran through my head. 

I slipped into a deep depression as the days, weeks, and months went on afterwards. I couldn't remember the last time I slept. It must've been several days because my anxiety had reached a whole new high. I lost myself to put it simply. I didn't have any desire to do things that brought me joy. I was just wandering through life trying to stay afloat. I remember Nate saying, "you didn't laugh and we didn't joke for a long time." My world was rocked and I had no idea how to put it back together. I was so angry with God. Why would this happen to us when it took such a leap of faith to choose this path. I had tunnel vision. I couldn't see the big picture and nor was I willing to. I was just stuck not moving forward or backward. I was also really hard on myself throughout all of this. I had thoughts of: Why are you still upset? Just get over it you big baby. Plenty of women have had miscarriages, you aren't that special. Just try for another baby. That thought weighed the heaviest on my mind. How do we try to have another baby? I was already there. I was pregnant. I was on the mommy track. How can I put myself through all of this again. 

I had a "come to Jesus" moment with Nate. I told him I can't make this decision on my own. He was always so understanding. He just wanted to do what made me feel happy and safe. At that moment though I needed him to make the decision that I couldn't. He really stepped up during this difficult time and told me, "I'd still like to have a baby." That's all I needed. I decided right then and there to lean on his faith and be lead blindly through the process of trying to have a baby again. It took everything I had to let myself be so vulnerable. In the back of my mind I knew that I could press on because if I didn't I would continue to be in this hopeless and desperate state of going nowhere. I knew that I would come out of this on the other side. I had to believe it, it was all I had. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. It was too much for me. Which lead me to think that I might be able to lean on others in this time of need. 

For one of the first times in my life I was faced with having to ask others for help. I used to pride myself in being emotionally independent and on my ideals of I can do it on my own. I don't need anyone was my motto. Boy was I wrong. I called/texted my mom countlessly for advice. She knew just what to say. She reassured me that I could take as long as I wanted to make sense of all of this. She always told me that I would have another baby. It was going to happen and don't get discouraged. There were numerous nights that Nate would just sit and talk with me trying his best to console me over matters he had heard time and time again. He was so patient and never rushed me to move on. I was able to reach out to many friends that had been through the same thing. It's amazing how certain people are placed in our life at just the right time. I had to rely heavily on my Father in Heaven and Lord Jesus Christ for guidance and help. I would pray constantly to have this burden lifted from my shoulders or to be given the strength to face it head on. As time went on I could feel my burden being lightened. It was lifted just enough for me to bare. Just enough for me to begin to heal. The mental fogginess became clearer. I began to realize the purpose of all of this through the spirit that I felt during my daily prayers. It was a trial created just for me. I could either face it head on or stay where I was at. I know that we are all blessed with these opportunities in our lives, where we can push forward against adversity or cower in its presence. And I was no coward! 

So, there we were. Back to the monthly guessing game. Are we expecting this time? The answer for the next several months was a resounding NO. Each day that passed my faith was strengthened that things would work out in their own time for us. Not to say it was easy because it wasn't. I found myself crying over each pregnancy announcement on Facebook. The thoughts of why me were still there but I pressed on in-spite of it. As the time passed each day would get a little easier and the hard days seem to be few and farther in between. This was my journey. This was my path that I needed to take and it was hard but I had faced hard times before. I can do this, give yourself time. Those were my mantras I would replay in my mind.

I always thought that getting pregnant again would fix everything. I wouldn't feel sad anymore. I would be back to my normal self. This would all be over. I found out that we were expecting again the day after New Years. We were so ecstatic. But I still felt the same. I cried over missing the last baby. I felt so guilty that I didn't feel any special bond with this baby. I thought my journey isn't over. Things hadn't come full circle yet. I still needed time. Being able to conceive another baby was not some magical drug that would heal me. I still needed to press on. I needed to find me again. I needed to find joy within myself. I tried pushing myself outside of my comfort zone of staying home all the time. I got out. I met up with friends. I told them what had been going on with me. I picked up old hobbies like crochet, puzzles, and playing games. I started to get back to designing our home and getting my blog ready to showcase my work. I felt like the little engine that could. Let me just keep chugging along and I will find my way.

It wasn't till recently almost 8 months later I have begun to feel like myself again. I have found joy in creating again. My anger with God has subsided. My testimony has been strengthened. I know that there was a plan predetermined for me before I was even a twinkle in my mom's eye. I thought I would never be able to say that I had come out of this, but here I am. Life goes on. I wish that I could tell you the secret of getting over a miscarriage. Believe me I wish I could've given it to myself. Everyone and every situation is different. I can only say what worked for and continues to work with my situation. I know that we are faced with trials to make us stronger, to make us better than we were before. I am not that same naive girl. I have grown, and learned even more about myself. I think that having a family will always be a journey for me. It will still be hard. I will still reflect on that time in my life. I will always think about that baby and am so grateful for what it taught me about life, myself, and how to persevere. That little baby that wasn't meant to be made me into the mom that I want and am destined to be. 

I hope that this post has helped at least one of you. I hope that it has given you hope or made you feel at peace that there are others out there who struggle. It's ok to struggle. It's ok to take time to heal. It's ok to feel what you are feeling. Miscarriage is such a personal thing, but I have come to realize it doesn't have to be a private thing. Share your feelings with someone you love and can confide in. Cry, cry a lot. Pray. Find peace that this is a part of your plan in life. Push forward, and stand tall against adversity. You will make it out on the other side. I promise you! You will not be the same. You will be even better and realize what a miracle it truly is to be able to have a baby.

Well that is the whole story, and then some friends. Hope this helped at least one of you. Love.

8 comments :

  1. You are amazing Morg! What a touching, inspirational insight into such a difficult time that so many women have to go through

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  2. First off, I'm glad you are back to blogging!

    Congratulations on the baby on the way. I know what you went through because I lost a baby in July last year. I am still grieving that loss and I am not ready to think about trying again - I don't know if I ever will be. I look forward to following along with your journey and thank you for writing this post!!

    Holly
    sunshineandgrey.blogspot.com

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  3. Morgan thank you for sharing. No one ever let me know how common miscarriages are. I miscarried at 6 weeks, then had Melitta and just recently miscarried at 12 weeks. Our bodies know us better than we do. I'm so thankful our bodies can produce a human being. You're amazing girl!

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  4. Morgan thank you for sharing. No one ever let me know how common miscarriages are. I miscarried at 6 weeks, then had Melitta and just recently miscarried at 12 weeks. Our bodies know us better than we do. I'm so thankful our bodies can produce a human being. You're amazing girl!

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